Happy Valentine's Day!!
Ok, I wasn't sure whether to write this post today but I want to help raise awareness of eating disorders and show that it is possible to overcome them and live a healthy life. I will never say that recovery is easy or quick - it takes a lot of hard work day in, day out to fight against what your mind is telling you, and even when you are living your life to the full again you have to be on top of your game at all times.
A few days ago my parents mentioned out of the blue how proud they were of me...it took me a bit by surprise as it came from no-where. This morning my mum told me why they had said this.
After cleaning out their room to decorate they came across a letter I wrote them around 3 years ago (maybe 4) and it really sunk in how far I have come, particularly in the last 4-5 months. I read the letter this morning and am plucking up the courage to share it with you. If this gives just one person hope that recovery CAN happen then that adds another reason to why all the fighting has been worthwhile.
*** I do mention weight in this letter so please, if this will trigger you in any way DO NOT READ!
Mum and Dad,
I have had to write this down because it was too hard for me to say face to face. This is probably cowardly but I am ashamed of what I have to say.
I want to let you know that this morning, when i tried to eat a crumpet, I didn't have everything that I told you. I don't know why I lied (maybe I didn't want to worry you. probably an excuse from the anorexia) I did manage a banana and a few mouthfuls of milk, but not crumpets, banana and a glass of milk like i said. For lunch I had tuna and 1/2 a wrap, and had my Complan this afternoon because to be honest I knew I couldn't miss this as well.
I also want to be totally honest about why I am so worried to eat 1200 calories. Since we agreed for me to eat this amount I have maybe managed it 5 times in the whole month. That's why I'm totally freaked out that if I eat this amount constantly that my body is going to grab it all and store it as fat. I understand I have to gain weight but don't understand why I am so petrified of it at the same time.
I also worry that if I allow myself to eat this amount I will go mad and start eating loads and not stop. Deep down i think I know this isn't realistic but it is still one of the thoughts I want to be open about. I also have difficulty in understanding why my weight maintained for so long if I am not eating sufficiently.
I decided to go on the scales and actually face the truth. I sometimes think I'm kidding myself into thinking I am safe and not really that ill.
I weighed 5 stone 9 pounds - I think it's a BMI of either 13.5/13.6
What worries me the most about this is that I am in a constant battle with the anorexia, and don't always beat it. And at this point in time I can't afford to lose many more fights with it.
I really try to take inspiration from people around me, and am determined to keep fighting this battle.
I know that I can't do it alone and need a lot of support and guidance which hopefully I will get if my referral goes through. I know I always have your support and you are willing to fight with me, and I am truly grateful for that, but I also think we are too emotionally attached. I just don't know what is best for me.
I went on the Internet today for inspiration and managed to get enough fight to have my afternoon Complan, but I am worried that I can't turn it around quickly enough.
And what I really want to say is, thank you.
For the past 2 years I have made your lives hell. I have made you watch as I pushed away support from you and made a train wreck of my life. I am so sorry for this and even if it takes me the rest of my life, I will repay you.
Even if all it takes is to lead a happy, normal life (if there is such a thing being a Dickens!)
I will do it.
You both know how much you mean to me, even if I don't always show it, and I can't put across how much I respect you both and always take on your opinions.
Hopefully I haven't disappointed you too much, and will eventually get the chance to make you both immensely proud of me when I have a fit healthy body and a life I love.
Love you more than the world
Reading this back, brings up a lot of emotions so I'll end it quickly.
Recover is possible. We need to raise awareness of mental illnesses and eating disorders so they can be treated quickly.
My life could not be more different than where I was then. I'm strong, fit and healthy and can Bench Press more that I weighed at that time! I start another part time job as a Fitness Instructor in a few weeks and am finally living and loving the fit life.
And once you beat an eating disorder - everything else is a breeze.
Stay strong and keep fighting